Fathered Five

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The first installment of this series, 5 Ways to Sabotage Your Marriage, was such a success that I just had to write another one.

I mean, when total strangers come up to you on the street and say you’ve changed their marriage, you listen. People are searching for “ways to sabotage your marriage” on Google, which is slightly frightening. I can take it two ways. Either these searchers heard about or read part one in this series and wanted to find it again, or they genuinely want to sabotage their marriages. I choose to believe the former. If it’s the latter, I take no responsibility.

Here they are then, in no particular order. Tips for guys who want a little more alone time away from the wife, tried and proven by Fathered Five:

1. Spend money without consulting her.
   Not the piddling $10 here or there. We’re talking hundreds. This is more effective if you go into debt while doing it. New snow tires? Big, black speakers for the stereo system? You want ‘em, so go get ‘em! Don’t overdo it here: if you go nuts and get a new car, there’s some benefit to her. This diminishes the effect.
2. Indulge your obsessions or hobbies to the fullest.
   But only if those obsessions or hobbies don’t involve her or the kids. The more you go off by yourself without them, the better. Here’s why this one works: she’ll soon get frustrated by your neglect of her and the family, but because she’s selfless, she won’t mention it right away. It will build up until it blows; that’s how you’ll know you’ve succeeded.
3. Keep her guessing about where you are and what you’re doing.
   I’m not saying to lie outright, though that would probably work, too. But keep her on a need-to-know basis and don’t divulge anything without being asked. Remember, it’s all about you and what you want. That’s easier to get if you ignore what she wants.

You know what’s a little disconcerting as I look back over our 18 years of marriage? These things I’ve written about in this series came naturally to me. That is, they felt right at the time because they were right for me. (Well, maybe not the “What have you been doing all day?” remark. I pretty much realized I was hosed as soon as it left my mouth.) I have had to learn how to remove myself from the center of the world, and it wasn’t easy. Least of all for her—she’s the one that pushed the boulder up my loooong learning curve.

So here’s to you, Mrs. Staying Married to Me Anyway Sisyphus Woman! At least you got cute kids out of the deal.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, October 11th, 2007 at 9:48 am and is filed under Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.