Fathered Five

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Guys, if you’re looking to undermine your sex life, get some alone time by alienating your wife, or just wanting to introduce some extra tension into your home, read on. I’ve mastered these secrets and will share the unvarnished truth with you for the low, low price of your literate attention.

Warning: These Techniques Really Work
So be careful what you wish for. In fact, I’m so confident these tactics will bring you more time to yourself that I back them with a full money-back guarantee. If you’re not completely satisfied with your marital disarray after implementing my suggestions, just drop me an email and I’ll refund your purchase price, no questions asked.

Here they are then, exclusively from Fathered Five:

• One-word answers are king.
  Hey, you’re biologically predisposed to talk less than her, so be true to your self! Grunt one-word answers to her questions or comments. Whenever possible, don’t even vocalize. Just nod or shake your head.
• Distance yourself from your children.
  According to Dr. Louann Brizendine, your wife’s brain changes drastically when she becomes pregnant, and continues to change while raising the children. Those changes mean you are no longer her first priority: the kids are. How do you feel now, Don Juan?? So again, do what comes naturally: detach from your kids. Hey, lions and gorillas do it! And have you ever seen a gorilla worry about what the Missus will think? Ahtellyuwhut, a gorilla goes where he wants, when he wants.
• Convey that you don’t like her family.
  I hear you, bro. You just went to nephew #14’s birthday party three days ago, and now they’re getting together again to plan the Christmas party. This is a good time for you to say, “Didn’t we just have a Christmas party last year??” Don’t overdo it because she’ll think you’re being sarcastic if you do. You want to just plant the little seed of doubt and leave her wondering, “Could there be something he’d rather do than hang out with my family?” Subtlety is key.
• When she starts to complain because you’re implementing 1-3 above, blame her.
  “Well, you always ask questions at the wrong time. Of course I don’t feel like talking.” That one works well. Or, “You should have told me in advance about Lisa’s concert. I can’t go when you just spring it on me three days before.” You get the idea.
• When you get home from work and the place is a wreck and the kids are out of control, look around with disgust and say, “What did you do all day??” Do this regularly. When she answers the question, say, “Well, then, you should have _________” and give some clear advice about how she could have run her day more effectively. You’ll only get one shot at this one because she won’t answer the question a second time.

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This entry was posted on Monday, September 10th, 2007 at 9:09 am and is filed under Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.