Boy 13 Update and a HIP Award!
If you’ve been following the ongoing saga of Boy 13, I have an update.
In our last episode, Boy 13 sent another boy his age to the hospital after putting him in a choke hold until he passed out. He couldn’t have chosen a worse “victim” because the other boy has had traumatic brain injury in the past, which makes him more susceptible to further injuries. Joe and Her Hotness were beside themselves with concern. Therapists were consulted.
Boy 13’s assessment with the therapist was last week and it went exceptionally well. He talked to the boy for a while alone, then with him and Her Hotness together (I was at work). He assured us that he was a normal 13-year-old, though with exceptionally bad luck and a mild-to-moderate case of ADD.
This was good to hear. I’m not entirely convinced, but am willing to take it on faith that there’s nothing seriously wrong with him. We also got a bit of a lecture. The consequences he’s been carrying since the episode, such as not being allowed to be with his cousins alone, enforce “other-regulation.” When we’re regulating him, he can’t learn to regulate himself. You need to back off, mom and dad, and let the kid screw up.
Fine. But other-regulation beats concussions and broken collar bones in cousins and neighbors. I submit that as indisputable. But the therapist thinks the broken bones and traumatic brain injuries are a result of that blasted luck, not malice on the part of Boy 13. Which I am also willing to take on faith.
I’ll work on the forgiving him part.
On a lighter, more mysterious note, Amy over at Earnest Parenting gave me a HIP award!! HIP stands for Heroes in Parenting. What, you didn’t know that? You obviously have never gotten a HIP award. You had better clean up your parenting act. And look sharp about it! Head on over to Earnest Parenting and see how it works, then spread the love. Nominate folks you admire for HIP awards.
Why is it mysterious? Because nothing about the Boy 13 drama has made me feel very heroic. In fact, very little in my fathering experience has (though I can think of a couple of times I am pretty proud of). The overarching word that describes my experience is be-Fudd-lement. No, no, not that befuddlement. Focus on the Fudd. As in Elmer. He’s certain of two things: that he’s hunting wabbits and that he’s happier’n a dog at butt-sniffin’ convention. “I’m hunting wabbits. Huh-huh-huh-huh.”
He’s intent, but utterly and completely clueless. Even about his cluelessness. Sometimes I wonder about what I don’t know, and don’t know that I don’t know it.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Silly. There’s nothing mysterious about your nomination.
The HIP program is about celebrating people who are doing encouraging things. In the parenting realm, I mean. You’re going through a tough situation. But here’s the thing: you’re going through it. You haven’t walked out, you haven’t thrown Boy13 out, you haven’t quit.
That’s heroic in my book any day.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:51 am
If you’d ever like a list of what you don’t know just say the word. I could put together a pretty good one! And Hero???? Don’t you have to own and use a sword to be a hero?
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
I do own and use a sword! Girl 16 is dating, remember? I take it out and sharpen it whenever they come over to pick her up.
@ Amy: Thanks! I hope my children are as charitable when they’re in therapy 20 years from now. “Well, at least he was home.”
January 22nd, 2009 at 7:22 pm
I hear where the therapist’s coming from, but as a ten year veteran of youth work … Ya gotta have consequences! And our society is kept in order by “other-regulations” such as Speed Limits and laws against assault and fraud. If Son13 can find a way to self-regulate, thats fantastic. But it’s hit and miss as to how you lead him to make that decision himself…
As to the award, Joe, you’re there, you’re engaged, you’re present, you uphold values and limits, you affirm. Stop beating yourself up. Anyone who says they’re an expert on parenting whether they’re a psychologist or a parent themselves, is lying.