How to find time you didn’t know you had
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Quality Time?? I’d settle for time
We know it’s all about time. Our kids need our time, our wives need our time, the lawn needs our time. God forbid I need some time for myself because if I take it, it means one of those other areas gets neglected and damnit, honey, do we have to talk again? Can’t you just email me?
My employer and creditors get first dibs on my time, alas. I’m not saying that’s the way it should be nor that I’m happy about it. Only that it is what it is. Blogging, kids, Mothered Five, and the lawn get what time is leftover (not necessarily in that order), and the results are often less than stellar. Just ask my lawn. Or Boy 12.
But finding time is a little like trying to kill fleas on a cat. The cat howls and spits and the fleas constantly dodge the match. If the cat would just…hold…still you could pop the fleas with a quick touch of the flame.
To the spoilers
(I know some of you who read this are superdads and are tut-tutting to your bad selves while thinking, “Joe, Grasshopper, you will not ever “find” time. You must “make” time.” To you: spare me the lectures. I know the theory; I just practice it imperfectly. While you’re in Nirvana with all your priorities, values, and goals neatly lined up, most of us live in a messier world where it’s all I can do on some days to get up and go to work. Again. This post is for that world.)
On a typical day, I leave for work at 7 and get home at 7, rush down dinner and try to unwind during get-ready-for-bed time, which around the Fathered Five household resembles a chicken chase contest from a county fair. Two adults running randomly after 3 hyper and tired children (the oldest can usually take care of themselves in this matter). Hmm… come to think of it, that’s really not such a bad ratio. I wonder why it’s so insane?
Anyway, I’m busy, just like you. I want to be an engaged father who spends time with his kids, but it’s unbelievably hard sometimes. I’ve started keeping track of little gimmicks that are working for me—little ways to give the gift of what little time I have. Here they are, provided to you free of charge.
- Take advantage of tuck-in time.
I’ve had short, but surprisingly satisfying exchanges with all three of the youngest who still allow us to tuck them into bed at night. It’s a quick way to reconnect and to recharge the rapport. someday I’ll write a post about Girl 15, who still remembers the song I sang to her at bedtime when she was younger than 2! She not only remembers the song…she remembers me singing it! - Bedtime reading is a good way to unwind.
No, really! You can sit down, a youngster on your lap, and let the day’s tension drip out with every rhyme. It’s a win-win. (I wouldn’t recommend Barney books, though. They tend to have the opposite effect.) - Invite them with you to run errands.
Now I swear, I was working on this post and had thought of this before Freaked Out Fathers pointed me to his excellent article on the subject, Inviting your children into your world. I thought I had discovered something unique and unusual. It turns out Pete and probably others have already been doing it. It works well with Boy 12, Boy 3, Girl 20 months. Not so well with Girl 15 and Boy 7, who would rather be poked with a pointy stick than hang with dad, and who has other things to do, respectively. The most recent adventure was with boy 3, who I took with me to go to the hardware store (!) to pick up the chainsaw chain (!) they were sharpening for me. He got to sit on a power mower and see lots of other cool power tools, and we chatted about bears (they don’t live in my neighborhood, we decided). - Make the pre-work hours productive.
As I said, I typically leave at 7 a.m. When I work from home, I have a couple of hours from the time I wake up until I need to be at my desk, and maybe you do, too. Take a kid to breakfast, or take the dog for a walk and bring one of them along. It doesn’t take much time, and it might be something you were going to do, anyway, so you’re doubling your achievement. Here’s another testimonial about this technique from Jazz Saxonphonist Harry Allen, explaining how he got exposed to Jazz:
My sister was a year ahead of me in school, and there was time when she had to go to school an hour before I did. And my father would sit at home with me during that hour and play recordings-benny goodman recordings and duke ellington recordings, and Count Basie… So I listened to an hour of great music every morning. I’m sure that’s where I got my love of it from.
Listen, starting at about 5:50
Overall, we’re doing better
Steve Biddulph reported some encouraging news 10 years ago:
In England, Fathers have increased the time they spend with children by 400 percent since the 1960s. As long as you are willing to make the effort, you will always achieve something. […] The fact is, men bring something to parenting that is unique and irreplaceable. The more you do, the more you will rediscover your talents at fathering and your own unique style. There is nothing as satisfying as raising great kids.
I don’t know if the improvement Biddulph saw has held, but I like to think so. Just from the keyword searches that I see bringing traffic to my blog, I’m encouraged to think that there are lots of other fathers out there just like me who are looking for time and good ways to spend it.
Here’s to our collective success.
August 20th, 2007 at 5:02 am
Joe, great work. Just working my way through all your posts to date, and I have to say this is outstanding. For someone who fathered five and thinks he doesn’t have much of an idea… you aren’t convincing me.
I like the strategies to involve yourself in the time you DO have with your kids. I enjoy bed time with my little boy (2) because we get to talk a little about his day, brush his teeth, and say his prayers before sleepy time. Inevitably there is a request to sing a song… so that happens most times.
Bedtimes are precious. I hope they stay forever.
August 20th, 2007 at 8:14 am
You’re too kind, Molk. Thanks for reading. My son (3) prefers a bedtime story to songs, though he loves to sing at other times of the day. He always asks for the ones where he and his 2 cousins (same age) are outside playing, and a bear and a monster come, and he shines his flashlight in their eyes to scare them away. Night after night. It’s amazing how little variety he needs in his fiction.
August 21st, 2007 at 1:26 pm
As the father of eight children, I found that making up a story about the confronting evil and conquering it (”Jelly Doughnut the Witch”) were the most facinating to them. Now I tell Jelly Doughnut stories to my 15 grandchildren.
August 21st, 2007 at 1:41 pm
That’s a great idea, Romney. You get the benefit of tuck-in time and can convey important values. That’s something I would not have thought of until I evolved some more, so thanks for the comment.