How To Talk to Your Daughter About Sex
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I’ve written recently about how hard it is to talk to kids about sex—especially daughters. But thanks to Meg Meeker’s book, Strong Fathers Strong Daughters, I recently had an epiphany and now understand that, while there are uncomfortable moments, the task itself is really pretty easy. Here’s why.
I thought it was a hard conversation because I misunderstood some things: (1) I underestimated the stakes. (2) I thought what I said wouldn’t make a difference. (3) I thought she wouldn’t care or already knew what I thought about the subject.
Maybe you think like I did. The difficulty fades (though it’s still slightly embarrassing) when you correct those misperceptions. Talking to your daughters about sex is easy when you understand the three keys below:
- Her emotional and physical health—her very life—literally depend on you speaking up.
- You’re wrong that you can’t make a difference. You can compete with the Pussycat Dolls.
- She cares deeply about what you think. Yours is the male voice that matters most, and it carries a LOT of weight.
Meeker, a pediatrician, reports:
In my practice I was seeing younger and younger girls ravaged by depression and sexually transmitted diseases. And at the mall and in magazines and on TV, I saw a popular culture that didn’t seem to care. Beautiful young girls were being seduced into secual activity through brilliant marketing programs. Sex sold them clothes, shampoo, CDs, and pencils. Sex was sold to them in glamorous media messages. But outside of that world of make-believe I saw sex giving young girls one infection after another. I saw girls falling into depression. I saw girls wanting to commit suicide.
The stakes couldn’t be higher. Though sexual activity in adolescents is declining, STDs and depression, which Meeker links directly to sexual activity in girls, are skyrocketing. Three to four million US teens will contract an STD this year—nearly 10,000 per day!
Ok, so what do we tell them?
This question is the one that keeps too many parents silent. But it’s really simple. Your daughter knows all about the plumbing, condoms, STDs, and pregnancy. She is daily bombarded with the message from pop culture that all the cool people are doing it. She wants to hear what you think about the subject. Here’s what to say and what to do:
- Your body and brain are not ready for sex, so it’s dangerous at your age.
- I believe that sex is [fill in your values statement here].
- Say something. The very fact that she knows you’ll talk to her about it is a deterrent to early sexual activity.
If someone stood outside your door waiting for your daughter to offer her crack or meth, you damn sure wouldn’t sit silent and hope she’s smart about about drug use. You wouldn’t encourage her to use a clean needle. The stakes are that high. Silence is not an option.
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