Men Are Easily Motivated
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This tidbit from the fathers.com weekly newsletter, which quotes a study in the Journal of Family Psychology (June):
A mom’s words of encouragement or criticism directly affect how involved their child’s father becomes in the day-to-day care of their baby. Researchers found that when a mother criticized her partner’s child-care efforts, it often caused him to lose confidence and even withdraw from caring for the baby. But when a mom praised dad’s efforts, he took a more active parenting role.
See, Moms, our single-focus brains can register only one thing at a time. Child care takes all our concentration (and sometimes all our will), so when we do anything at all with our kids, such as, for example, getting Boy 4 dressed, it feels like a huge gift of self. It isn’t, of course, but it feels that way to us because, for that moment, that’s literally our entire world.
And so when you come along and say it doesn’t match, it’s like a kick in the gut. We gave everything we had—everything! And it still wasn’t good enough! I mean, who gives a damn if green shorts don’t match the purple tank top? He certainly doesn’t! What, is his little friend going to say he looks funny? (Okay, she might if his friend is a girl, but still.) I mean, why even ask us to do it if you’re just going to do it over again anyway?
Tickets to the Bedroom
Somebody once told me, when I was a much younger guy and hadn’t figured it out for myself, that the expression, “in the dog house” or “on the couch” doesn’t mean you literally get kicked out of your bed. It means you’re celibate for the foreseeable future, or until you figure out what you did wrong—whichever is shorter, and they may in fact be the same.
What does this have to do with Moms encouraging their co-parents? Simple. When you say we done good, we hear, “You might still be getting some,” and our highly focused brains kick in. We soon realize that being involved means greater likelihood of bedroom action, so we get more involved. It’s that simple.
On a serious note, the fathers.com missive continues:
Mom, you often play the role of a “gatekeeper” to dad’s participation in your children’s lives. Chances are, he’s depending on you in many ways—your motherly instincts, your greater knowledge and experience with child care issues, your greater sense of responsibility for your child that starts early during your pregnancy, and your commitment to always do what’s best for your children. But please be careful. Your intentions may be good, but so what if he mismatches a toddler’s outfit or if a diaper leaks and he has to change it again? If you insist that he always do things the “right” way, re-do something he’s done for a child, roll your eyes or create the impression that he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he may very likely get discouraged and not be as involved as he could be. And that could influence his feelings about fatherhood for many years to come.
Word.
July 4th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Amen.