Parenting Books: Bill Cosby’s Fatherhood
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I’m a little slow, having just discovered Bill Cosby’s 1986 book, Fatherhood.
So you’ve decided to have a child. You’ve decided to give up quiet evenings with good books and lazy weekends with good music, intimate meals during which you finish whole sentences, sweet private times when you’ve savored the thought that just the two of you and your love are all you will ever need. You’ve decided to turn your sofas into trampolines, and to abandon the joys of leisurely contemplating reproductions of great art for the joys of frantically coping with reproductions of yourselves.
Why?
Bill Cosby, Fatherhood(1986)
Yes! Exactly! Why? Yes, yes—of course I don’t regret a single one of the five. But honestly, what possesses a guy, or a couple, to make the trades Cosby describes?
Just over 16 years ago I said to Her Hotness, “I don’t think we’re justified anymore in not starting a family.” She agreed and that was that. That was the extent of our discussion of the topic. That was the sum total of our planning. Number one was conceived shortly afterward.
If you’re aghast, you’re smarter than we were. I’m aghast now, looking back on kids having kids.
At its root our reasoning was rooted in religious faith, which accounts for my strange word choice above. I had an OK job, which included full medical benefits, so the birth of a child and the hospital stay wouldn’t bankrupt us. We had been blessed with the job, so therefore (the reasoning went), we should show our gratitude by obeying the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth. Nevermind that we were living in her parents’ basement at the time becuase we couldn’t afford our own household.
It simply didn’t register with me that having a child meant the practical kinds of sacrifices Cosby points out. I knew it was a lifetime commitment, but I didn’t know it would be, you know, all day every day. It’s the not knowing that’s the killer. A guy has a vision for his life (even if the vision is to live his life as he always has) and then kids come along and mess it all up. The guy has three choices:
- Change his vision and himself
- Leave so he doesn’t have to change
- Don’t change and don’t leave, making everybody miserable (Some Superdad is going to write and say his original vision included his kids and the daily sacrifice so he didn’t have to change anything. I won’t believe you, Superdad! My sanity requires it.)
The decision process for each child after the first was slightly different, slightly more informed. (Except for Girl 2, who is the best mistake we ever made.) And that’s the short version of how we ended up with 5, who, individually, are each a joy. But running as a pack!? Sweet Mother Mary.
I’m just starting Fatherhood. If you read it twenty years ago, read it again. You’ll be surprised by how much the book has changed in the interim.
December 5th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Do you know I’ve never read it but that line about turning couches into trampolines is a winner.
I love your insight with those 3 choices. I’m fortunate (I think) that I didn’t get vision until a couple of years after Oldest Son was born, so I’d already had fatherhood written into my identity, BUT what I certainly NEVER asked for nor wanted was the lack of alone time, the constant noise, a son whose every impulse at home is to show how much smarter and stronger he is than his old man (and unfortunately he’s nearing the day where he is both), and the temptation to micromanage every aspect of their behaviour and lives (which I resist constantly but STILL find myself doing).
My reasons for this next statement are also rooted in my faith and my feeling of being “fathered” by God: I find that I can’t NOT opt for option #1 of your 3 choices. But don’t those other ones look tempting at times?
December 5th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Pete, I wish everyone who fathered a child could say the same, but unfortunately, statistics show that is not the case. I knew a father of 6 once who just up and walked out. I don’t know any of the back story, but I can’t think of any back story that would justify option 2. Number 3 is the default, I think, because it’s the course of least resistance. Maybe it helps to account for the high divorce rate and the high numbers of kids growing up without dads.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
I think that’s one of the reasons we’re drawn to blog about this: to be of some help somewhere sometime to a guy who needs to work through his stuff and be there for his family. So many of your articles are serving that purpose Joe.
December 12th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
Pffft! SuperDads - what do THEY know?!
I’m with you guys… Being a father is more about you than who you are parenting, however the end result is who those you are parenting prove to be.