What do Daughters Need from Fathers?
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A short post and comments over at Modern Masculinity has me thinking about daughters. I have two, on opposite ends of the spectrum in many ways. One is 15, the other 18 mos. To one I’m a hero, to the other I’m tolerable. One desperately needs her friends, the other only desperately needs her blankie. They both can shift moods faster than I can adapt, and one stomps out of the room when she’s frustrated, while the other squeals when she gets mad, switching between “No!” and wordless “eeee!” (I know exactly how she feels. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could stand in the middle of the office and squeal like that? Or heck, even stomp out of a room when we’re mad!)
I don’t believe fathers, by nature, relate well to daughters. Some do, of course—there are always exceptions. But by and large, guys, our daughters are as mysterious to us as girls were when we hit puberty. And if you disagree and don’t have a teenage daughter, talk to me later when you do. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn, and there are lots of good resources available.
Good basic reading
We can learn to understand our daughters and to be more than a walking wallet in their lives. I recommend starting with this article at Fathers.com: 5 Needs of Daughters. It’s simple, readable, and generated by Dads, not academics. I’ll give away the secret. Here are the 5 needs, but read the whole article because it develops each point:
- Guidance
- Encouragement
- Comfort
- Vision
- Protection
I said it was generated by dads, and to me, that fact proves my point: girls are mysteries to us. Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s a good article. But I see nothing in it that’s gender-specific. By all means, give your daughters guidance, encouragement, comfort, vision, and protection. But our sons need the same things, don’t they?
More advanced reading
If you want something more focused that deals with your daughter’s…daughterness, I highly recommend Michael Gurian’s The Wonder of Girls. I’ll have a more extensive review of it later, but he addresses chemical and neural gender differences that might help you make sense of the foot stomping, the squealing, and the wonderful breadth of female attention. Gurian presents difficult medical and psychological research in a readable form and has practical parenting suggestions that take this important recent research into account.
I provide my girls’ physical needs as well as I can, and sadly, that race has overshadowed their emotional needs, which are certainly as pressing though more difficult to quantify. When the oldest was 10, we performed Monty Python’s “parrot sketch” together for a local talent show. She was the shopkeeper and I was the customer. Let me tell you, we were good!We had a lot of fun doing it and when the curtain closed and the audience applauded with enthusiasm, she leapt to me with a big hug. I don’t know if I’ve done anything right since then!
July 13th, 2007 at 9:53 am
First, thank you for linking to my article.
Second, great article. I think all fathers need all the resources we can get, because we just don’t trust ourselves to do the right thing with all of our responsibilities. I fear having a daughter; while it is easy to say that it’s because of all the boys, it is more because I want to have good relationships with my children.
You’re right, daughters are as mysterious to their fathers as girls were when we were teenagers. I wish you all the luck in the world, and follow your instinct: loving her without smothering her is probably the best thing you can do.
July 29th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
[…] explains each point, so head on over and take a look. My gripe with a similar list respecting daughters was that the list was not gender-specific, as boys needed the same things from fathers as the […]