What do sons need from fathers?
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Hell if I know. I’m raising three boys, but I have to admit I’m stumped. Each of them has been much more difficult so far than the girls. Especially Boy (12) and Boy (3). Males are supposed to be simple, right? Dr. Laura says so. Food and sex—that’s all we need. But only one of those needs applies to the younger of the species, and Dr. Laura doesn’t seem to have a magic pill for pre-pubescent boys.
Boy (7) is so far relatively uncomplicated; just play Power Rangers with him once in a while, read The Magic Treehouse, and he seems happy. Not so with Boy (12), who has been known to lie. A lot. And steal a little. He’s unmoved by threats and discipline, unmotivated by most rewards (although he did bring his math scores up the last two months of the school year so we could go to a Chinese buffet!) Can I just tell you it hurts like hell to see him sad and angry?
Oh, good. A list!
Fathers.com answers the question with a handy list of five things that boys need from fathers:
- A plan
- an example
- A monitor
- Moral and spiritual benchmarks
- Love
The article explains each point, so head on over and take a look. My gripe with a similar list respecting daughters was that the list was not gender-specific, as boys needed the same things from fathers as the article listed for girls. This list raises the same concern for me, with the exception of item #4. That item correlates with what I’ve been reading about boys in Michael Gurian’s The Wonder of Boys. Gurian’s thesis is two-pronged: 1. that the genders are fundamentally different on a neurochemical level, and 2. that modern culture has destroyed male kinship and support systems that used to teach males how to be men. The result is an entire generation and more of boys who have grown up angry, isolated, and confused, which is a pretty good description of Boy (12), though he really is sometimes a good kid.
A shorter list
What do boys need from fathers? Gurian puts it this way:
Even a five- or seven- or ten-year-old who appears to be demanding huge amounts of time from a tired father is often just demanding five or ten minutes of a refueled father-son relationship. If the father, tired from work, dspends just ten minutes with the boy, or a half hour, both will feel refueled. If, whether in the boy’s infancy or later in life, the father doesn’t spend the minmal amount of time with his child, he’ll actually end up spending more than that amount of eneregy dealing with his son’s anger, rejection, and abandonment throughout an evening, weekend, or lifetime.
Ouch. It sounds so easy, which makes me suspicious. Ten minutes per day is all it takes? I suppose it makes sense; I’m already spending more time than that, though admittedly not daily, worrying, cajoling, and disciplining. I’ve got nothing to lose, really.
July 29th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
It takes more than 10 minutes a day. It takes the habit of being present and accessible to your kids.
But there are days when you don’t have 10 mintues to give and the boy needs to respect that too.
I think both Biddulph’s work on this and Gary Chapman’s 5 Love LAnguages are excellent starting points. I have given Chapman’s books to a number of clients and contacts and lights go on.
Thanks for posting on this; we need to think intentionally and deeply about this.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:49 am
How about 20? I could maybe find 20 (x3 boys, that’s 1 hour per day, which I’m not sure I can find). I’m kidding, of course. The idea that the time a child needs from his Dad can be quantified so neatly is silly. Gurian does not treat the matter so reductively, though.
Thanks for the heads up on Biddulph and Chapman. I’ll read one or both, hopefully in time for our conference call. Looking forward to that!
July 30th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
Chapman & Campbell’s child-specific book is called The Five Love Languages and Children.
Steve Biddulph’s is Raising Boys. (I think I read that you’re Mormon by faith and I’m Christian so there’s one chapter in his book we’ll both probably disagree with, but for the most part it’s an extremely helpful book)
Don’t know whether the subject matter will come up in our conference call, but you never know. If you can make it fit, cool!
July 30th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
Well, that’s a teaser if I ever heard one. I’ve ordered both books at my local library and look forward to seeing what they have to say.
September 4th, 2007 at 9:34 am
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