Yes, I Broke His Collarbone
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A follow up to this post.
I got some great advice from Amy, who suggested that I talk to Boy 13 about the problem from a position of empathy rather than one of attack.
He got back from camp on Friday, and I procrastinated for as long as I could, finally buckling on Sunday morning. We took the dog for a walk. (”Why do you want me to come?” “Because I want to talk to you.” Uh-oh, he thinks. What did I do now?)
We walked in silence for a while, he knowing that something was up, me not knowing how to start. We talked about camp, about fishing. Then I told him the story of tripping Her Hotness and how sick I’d felt. I did it to save my pride, and carried the weight of that guilt for many years. (By the way, she has no memory of the event, so I got off with no more penance.)
Then the fulcrum:
“The reason I told you that is that I want to spare you the same burden. While you were at camp, someone came to us and told us they saw you push your cousin back in the spring when you were racing and he broke his collarbone.”
“Oh. Who?”
“Two people told us. It doesn’t matter. Maybe I’ll tell you later.”
[Sheepish] “Well, yeah. I did. He really bugs me. I don’t know what it is, but he always has. And it was the same thing—I didn’t mean to hurt him. He was just beating me and I had to save my pride so I pushed him.”
“Yeah. Teenage boys do stupid things that they regret. But you know that someone bugging you doesn’t make it okay, right? [Holy crap, please tell me you know that!] Did you know he was hurt?”
“I know, I know. Yeah because he broke his other collarbone before and I knew he knew what it felt like. And he said, ‘I think my collarbone is broken.’ So yeah.”
“Did you feel guilty?”
“Yeah, kind of.” [Which means, “No, but I know the right answer is ‘yes.’”]
So I got the confession. The approach was terrific (thanks, Amy). That’s only half the answer, though, and the easiest half at that. We talked about what he needed to do next.
He knew he needed to apologize to the boy. I pointed out that he also needed to apologize to the parents.
I asked what else needed to happen? He didn’t know until I reminded him that he lied and had let the lie stand for months. I had to remind him that this is wrong.
We came up with a plan of action. He will apologize to the people he hurt and buy the boy a gift as some sort of restitution. (”That will take me a long time because I have to earn money for school clothes first.” “No, this comes before school clothes. Men do what’s right first, and only then what they want.” )
He will be punished for the lie by losing all his independence for a while. This means no more sleepovers, no more solo trips to the store. When people are dishonest, they give up the privilege of unsupervised activity.
But how do you change a heart? “The other problem is that you don’t feel bad about what you did. He’s your cousin, he’s half your age, and you broke his bone! And you kind of shrugged it off. It’s easy to say you’re sorry. It’s easy to buy a gift. But the hardest part of repentance is the turning away—the changing your heart to be different.”
“How do I do that?”
“I don’t know.”
So I’m stumped again. I’ll talk to a psychologist about this lack of remorse. I suggested that we would find a program for him where he can volunteer to help others. Enforced charitable service. Is there such a thing? “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” The rest of that scripture at one time used to say, “If ye are forced to do it unto one of the least of these my brethren and you piss and moan the whole time, ye might as well have stayed home.”
I can force him to do. I can’t force him to be. We survived one wave. But the others bearing down on us look just as tall.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Bravo! Brilliantly executed Joe.
Am I correct in remembering that Lily the dog had a big impact on Boy 13’s life a while back? Perhaps using the animal connection can help him learn some empathy in a less forced way. And didn’t he have a period of depression right before Lily arrived on the scene? Is it possible that emotions are more difficult for him to process in some way and that he has a flat affect but really is feeling things on the inside?
I’m not saying to assume everything’s fine and just wander off. Vigilance is good. And yes, talking to a psychologist sounds like an excellent plan.
While it looks discouraging, all may not be lost. Boy 13 has a solid foundation with some wonderful parents who love him to pieces. Those are all good things, and there’s plenty to hope for as he grows.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 am
I say let it go. What you’ve done is enough. Now pray and demonstrate the same qualities you expect to see in him. (i.e. Godly Sorrow) Be humble yourself. Maybe he’s not as daft as you think. Maybe he doesn’t even know he gets it, but my guess is he’s processing. Bear the ensign yourself.
Oh. And good luck.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
Samson, his ultimate goal seems to be to do whatever he can get away with. I don’t want to reinforce that by dropping it. He’ll apologize, but without punishment, there will essentially be no consequences for his lies. Without a change of heart I’ll be back here in six months fishing for advice. (That will happen anyway, I’m sure.)
Amy, very good memory. Yes, those things are correct. That gives me some more to talk about with a doctor.
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:39 am
“No, this comes before school clothes. Men do what’s right first, and only then what they want.” Love it! … Well, ok, I hate it, but it’s true and I want to live that way too.
A very gutsy moment and a very transparent telling of the tale.
And my only answer to your question [But how do you change a heart?] will sound like a cliche but I believe it with all my heart. Only God can change a heart when you ask Him and follow Him through the twists and turns that will change it. You’ve done exactly what a parent can do to back that up: enforce consequences and expect responsibility. Feelings are God’s domain.
Be proud.
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
I believe that, Pete, but it’s the twists and turns that I struggle with. What if one of the twists is taking some kind of action (like forced volunteering or whatever), and I miss the cue?
August 16th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I haven’t been reading your blog for awhile. So, I’m reading this backward and haven’t read your earlier posts… any way, there’s this “touching” story I have heard through mass e-mails: (1) A boy was being mean; (2) His father told him to hammer a nail in the fence every time he was mean to someone; (3) The boy finally got sick of hammering the nails; (4) His father told him to apologize to those people he hurt (physically, or feeling-wise), and every time he apologizes, he gets to pull out a nail from the fence; (5) Finally, one day, the boy pulled out all the nails; (6) His father said to him, “good for you that you finally pulled out those nails. But look at all the marks/scars you left on the fence. It’s the same with people; every time you hurt the person, he/she will have a mark/scar (physical/emotional). Even if the person forgives you, that mark/scar is permanent and can never be mended. Do your best not to hurt others and don’t leave mark/scar on people any more.”
August 16th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
This story is not meant to make your boy feel bad or any thing. The story is supposed to “touch” the heart and hopefully “change” it? Hope it helps. =) I often remind myself of this story.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
That’s an interesting allegory, Julia. I’ve heard a similar one about putting feathers on people’s porches and then trying to go back and collect them.